Navigating Conscious Ageing in Relationships

The beauty of Conscious Ageing being my profession is that my own life becomes my primary field of practice and research. While a surgeon might find it challenging to operate on her/himself, I can consciously examine my own life situations, applying the lens of Conscious Ageing as a prism. And what greater art might there be than building and cultivating meaningful and mutually satisfying relationships that bring contentment and happiness? This is especially true when the person involved is a lifelong companion... in my case, my husband.

How can Conscious Ageing be interpreted and implemented at the level of a relationship?

Obviously, there is an individual aspect: caring for our physical, mental, psychological and spiritual health, along with our personal ambitions and professional development (which can, of course, significantly influence our relationship). However, there are other life areas that require consensus with our partner if we genuinely wish to build a mutually satisfying and happy relationship in the long run. Typically, these include housing, financial sustainability, or certain aspects of professional ambitions (e.g. moving to another country).

But do we consciously plan our older age together? Do we create a shared vision of our elderhood at all?

I believe that taking the time to consciously reflect and create a tangible, authentic and conceivable vision is crucial, both individually and as a couple. We need a vision that gives us strength, enthusiasm and perseverance to navigate our often monotonous, task-filled, problem-solving daily lives. A shared vision that can guide us through the uncertainty and unpredictability of the future.

When the Netherlands went into lockdown in March 2020, I couldn’t have anticipated that the coming months would provide our marriage with the opportunity to closely examine our 26-year relationship. Yet this is exactly what happened. Due to the lockdown, our sports activities abruptly ceased, prompting us to quickly look for alternatives. Opting for daily walks in the nearby Amsterdam forest seemed like an obvious choice.

Our initial intention was simply to maintain our health, but our daily walks quickly evolved into a deep therapeutic process as a couple. With the safety and support of Nature, we could openly and honestly reflect on our previous years together. Twenty-six years is a long time, during which much has happened and changed. We experienced significant transformations, both individually and as a couple. We had two children, changed homes, jobs, professions and countries, and gained considerably more grey hair.

Our daily two-hour walks over more than 20 months (at least 1,200 hours) provided us with the time and space to reflect on our shared life, celebrate our achievements, let go, mourn our losses, and contemplate our future. Supported by nature, these walks allowed us to discuss the most challenging, sensitive and painful topics openly, with love and care.

We had the time and space to reflect on and evaluate our “midlife existence”, both individually and as a couple. Happily — and somewhat surprisingly — we acknowledged that despite the many lows and crises, we were still deeply in love with each other. We also mutually expressed our wish and willingness to stay together and create a shared future. This was definitely a prerequisite for building a shared vision.

First, we dreamed about our future life, including our elderhood. We explored how and where we wanted to arrive. We approached this process both individually and as a couple. Our personal and professional ambitions had changed tremendously since our early thirties. The foundation of the Hekate Conscious Ageing Foundation was already part of my personal and professional rebirth, but my husband had yet to go through this process of self-inquiry and redesign.

We discussed where we envisioned ourselves in older age. This became a critical part of our Conscious Ageing journey, because living in a more expensive European country requires different decisions regarding financial sustainability and housing. We had been contemplating a community-living project for many years, but for the first time we analysed in detail what living in a community would practically mean for us.

We addressed the topic of our still fit, yet ageing, elderly parents living in our home country, our friends scattered around the world, and the relationships built over years through time, attention and energy. Social relationships are precious capital that — just like physical and mental health — need to be consciously nurtured.

We also found the courage to discuss life scenarios we had previously avoided. What would happen if one of us became seriously ill, or even worse, passed away? What if, despite all our efforts, we eventually separated? Going through these worst-case scenarios helped us readjust our initial vision.

I can imagine that reading about this process may sound dauntingly serious or uncomfortable, but in reality these were overwhelmingly positive, joyful and meaningful conversations. While walking (and burning significant calories 😊), we gazed at the ever-changing forest, observed the Scottish Highland cattle, and witnessed the lively lives of duck and goose families.

“Vision without action is a daydream.”

Drawing from my personal insights, as well as from working with clients, it is clear that when we envision, plan and commit ourselves to a vision, we become better equipped to implement it more consciously and effectively.

This is what happened to us as well. We made important decisions we had been postponing for years, and managed to carry them out within a couple of months. We took significant steps towards long-term financial sustainability and professional goals. I’m also convinced that these conversations helped us smoothly navigate our eldest child’s unexpected wish to move out and start an independent life.

Whether we will ultimately realize the future we envisioned for our older age, I do not know.

Our vision is only a tiny drop in the ocean of global crises, shaped by unpredictable societal, economic, political and climate-related changes. No vision can guarantee — or even predict — the future. But that is not its purpose. A vision primarily influences the present. It supports us in living consciously in the present, with responsibility, capabilities and resources. It helps us understand that our decisions and choices shape the unpredictable and unforeseeable future ahead of us.